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[VMars]Fanfiction; 10 times Logan and Veronica say goodbye; Logan/Veronica; NC-17

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Mar. 15th, 2007 | 03:12 pm
posted by: ailati in tiny_prayers

Title: 10 times Logan and Veronica say goodbye
Fandom: Veronica Mars
Pairing/Character: Logan/Veronica
Word Count: 3177
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Exactly what the title says.
Spoilers: Nothing
Warnings: Angst like whoah. Language. Sexual situations. Character death.
Disclaimer: I am in no way assosioated with the owners of the show. I am however sure that they reserve the right to sue my very broke ass. Only thing they are going to get by doing it however, would be just one very angry fangirl, and I'm sure they already have enough of those.


She slams the door shut on her way out, with so much force, Logan thinks the sound of it might never stop haunting him. He wonders if maybe he should run after her, but then there really isn’t anything left to say. And they’ve already said too much. It’s not even as if they have never fought or yelled at each other before. Only this time it was different. No matter how bad it had gotten before, they had never sunken low enough to be petty or mean. Already Logan is wishing that he could take back nearly everything that had been said in the last hour, not so much because they had hurt, had been meant to hurt, but because he had been saying stuff just to say them, no matter whether they were true or not.

The timing had really done the trick for them this time. Talking and finally working on their issues sounded great enough in theory. And it really had been working, their relationship being the best it had ever been. But the downside was the opening of old wounds and hurt that left them both raw and open. Prime and ready for a stupid meaningless bickering to escalate into a full on war.

Standing now on the too quiet battlefield with dust settling around him, Logan can’t stop looking at the door of his suite, wondering if Veronica will ever walk trough it again. All he can see is elevator doors sliding shut, over and over again.


His tie is too thigh, making him feel like he can’t breath. He doesn’t bother loosening it though. It wouldn’t help anything. He has been suffocating for a week now. By now, he knows that it’s never going to stop. Around him, people are talking, but all he hears is just a soft murmur and it takes too much effort to make out what they are saying. Somewhere, he thinks a man is crying. If he focuses hard enough he thinks it might be he.

“Gramma is pretty! But why is she sleeping in that weird box?” the high pitched voice of a five year old manages to sneak it’s way through the haze into Logan’s thoughts. It’s only then that he realizes that he still hasn’t looked at her. He knows he can’t, but that he has to do it all the same. After everything, he can’t let her go without a proper goodbye. His feet almost betray him as he is making his way towards the casket and is glad for the arm of his daughters that appears out of nowhere to steady him. He closes his eyes and pours everything, the shyness of a boy, the passion a youth and the tenderness of a man into a one last kiss. Veronica’s lips stay cold and she never was a Sleeping Beauty for him to save.


There a note on her pillow, saying that he’ll be staying at Dick’s for a while and that he just needs time to think. But the little crooked heart he has drawn at the bottom of each and every note he has ever left for her is missing. The surety of knowing that he isn’t coming back this time hurts her more than anything. She doesn’t leave the apartment for a week, hoping against hope that she is wrong after all. She sleeps most of the time and each time she wakes up, for painful two minutes, she lets herself imagine that his arms are spooning her, like always as if nothing has happened. After the week is over, she returns to her life like everything is normal, but her eyes are cold and dead, like someone has turned the lights of and no-one’s home.


Veronica used to believe, that if ever Logan were to get into a car accident, it would be because he was being stupid enough to go driving drunk and crashing against a lamp post. Or worse. God knows she has had nightmare about it more than often enough.

So it makes weird kind of sense that she can’t stop laughing now. Which doesn’t change the fact that she knows it’s wrong and that she is on the fast track of becoming hysterical, but she just can’t help it. The cop is being nice – and that almost makes her miss Lamb, because there is nothing nice about this – when he informs her that upon finally getting caught the driver had blown three point five. There’s pity in his eyes, and all Veronica wants to do is to escape and maybe if she hyperventilates hard enough she’ll pass out. Because Logan had just been crossing the street and she’s sure somewhere in there, there has to be irony. So she laughs, and the tears won’t stop coming.


He finds her by Keith’s grave.

“You signed the papers.”

“I did.”

“This doesn’t mean...”

“Don’t. Logan, please, just, don’t.”

“This doesn’t mean I don’t still love you.”

She turns to look at him then. Her eyes say too much and nothing he doesn’t already know. Almost absently he thinks the disappointment might still be what hurts the most. His car isn’t far, but the walk is still the longest one in his life. With every step of the way, he can feel her eyes following him. Every muscle in his body is begging for her to yell at him, to make him stop. But she doesn’t yell and he doesn’t stop.


The last time they have sex, make love, fuck, Veronica cries. She cries when he makes her wet with soft kisses on her breast and nimble fingers on her clit. She cries when she tears away his boxers and slips the condom on. She cries when he pushes in side her with one violent stroke and she cries when they come together. She cries when she gathers her clothes, spread all over the too small room and when he watches her get dressed without saying a word. She cries when she walks out of the sleazy motel and all the way to her car. She steps inside it, starts the engine and then she doesn’t cry ever again.


The coffee has gone cold long ago, forgotten, too bitter to begin with. Veronica is too tired to care either way. Just like she’s too tired to care about the fact that when she first sat to that cheap plastic table it had been just past noon and now it was pitch black outside. She knows the routine by heart now, even if her heart is anywhere but in it. All too soon, the matron will come out of the backroom smiling that sweet smile of hers that might kill her, if she wasn’t already dead. I really need to close this place up, hon. And you should be getting home, young girl like you, sure you have some handsome lad waiting for you. She won’t bother with answering, knowing that it’s not even expected anymore.

In a minute she will lift take picture from the table and take one more look at it. It’s taken on a beach, Veronica can’t remember when and where, she can just remember the exact place and date, but Logan is lying on the ground, laughing at Backup trying to lick his face. She will let one, just one tear fall on her face and then she will reach her hand for the lighter.

In a week she will be back at the same smelly gas station, sitting at the same table, pretending to be drinking the same bad coffee. The picture will change, but everything else stays the same.

For now, she’s just let’s herself be immersed in Logan’s eyes, pretending the rest of the world doesn’t exist and she’s not alone.


Veronica is mad about finding him there. Logan knows this, even before she does. He has after all gotten the phone call from Mac earlier, specifically asking him not to be there. He doesn’t really mind, though, what with hours of steeling himself against her anger. He’s just not prepared for there to be resignation. ”Aren’t you forgetting something? Like that you promised to be out tonight!” Logan thinks the way her voice cracks just barely noticeably at the last words could make him cry. ”I did. I was going, okay, but I… I just… I couldn’t…” “Couldn’t what? Couldn’t let me have at least some measure of dignity? Couldn’t let me go without a one last fight? One last fuck? Tell me Logan, what is it that you couldn’t do to make this just a little bit easier for me!” “I couldn’t let you just be gone from my life one day, for good! I couldn’t just come back to a home that has been stripped of everything that reminds me of you, of everything you and I shared!” The silence that follows his voice is more deafening than the yells. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Logan notes that his muscles are tensing from trying to be completely motionless for too long.

“So where does that leave us?” Logan sighs at that, mostly just to make any noise at all, because he doesn’t have an answer. He’s not even sure if there is any kind of answer to be had, anywhere. “Maybe I should just go.” It’s not a question, not really, and the silence is more than clear answer. “Or I could stay and help you pack?” He has had his back to Veronica all trough the conversation, but he doesn’t need to see her, to know how much she wants to tell him to just not be there. The silence retches and finally Logan risks moving. The tilt of her head is so small and so quick he just barely notices it. It’s the closest thing they have come to a truce and the thought might be almost amusing, if only it wasn’t so goddamn painful.

In the end, he is even allowed to help carry the boxes in the car. He doesn’t know where she has gotten the van, it’s too old to be rental, but doesn’t bother asking. It’s surprisingly hard to remind him that it’s no longer any of his business. Before she drives away they shake hands. There’s something oddly comforting in the formality of it. When he walks back to the house he doesn’t want to call home anymore he finds a note slip on the kitchen table with a phone number on it. He doesn’t program it to his cell, or memorize it, knowing that it doesn’t mean he is allowed to call, that she is not asking him to. He just sticks it to the refrigerator, a reminder that he could all the same.


The thing that got to him the most was the helplessness. His strong and fierce Veronica was slowly fading away, eaten by her own body turned against her, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. It wasn’t that she was dying. He had long ago had to come to terms with the likelihood of him being the one to bury her, not the other way round. He just had never expected for it to take so long or that she would be turned to a complete different person in the process. There were days when she didn’t recognize him at all. Logan would have liked for that to be worst of it, but they were nothing compared to the days when going around the house, raving mad destroying everything on her way, or throwing things at him. He was quickly becoming an excellent dodge, but there were still stitches on his forehead, from the time he was not so lucky. Next day Veronica had asked if he had had a bad run in with the doorframe. Given the size and the location of the tumour, it’s all to be expected. I’m sorry Mr. Echolls, but at this point, there’s really nothing we can do left. If you’d like to talk about placing her in a hospice… He had walked out of the doctor’s office at that, feeling the desperate to break something.

Through it all, Veronica had fought like only she could. When they had first diagnosed her, the doctors had promised them six months, a year at the most. It had been three years now, and she was still around. When they had stopped the chemo, they had been gently but firmly assured that things were only going to get worse. The talk was of weeks now. Four months later, and her hair was growing back, as if to just spite everyone. Everyday he woke up to Veronica still breathing, Logan thanked the God, he had never believed in for it. Some days she was as clear minded as ever, and he went out on his way, to make those ones as special as he could. The rational part of Logan’s mind knew that it wouldn’t last forever. That for all of her fighting, Veronica was only postponing the inevitable, and that sooner or later, she would lose the battle. It didn’t stop him from being convinced that it would be later, that there always would be just one more day.

Death was the sound of glass hitting the floor, slipping from fingers that no longer have any life in them. Later Logan thinks, that maybe what he heard was really his soul being scattered to million pieces. It took him hours before he was able to stop cradling Veronica’s cold body long enough to call the hospital. The paramedics needed to sedate him to get him to let go of her for the second time. He had to hire people to take care of the funeral arrangements, not being able to muster enough strength to do it himself. The ceremony was beautiful enough, but he couldn’t find any comfort in it. People came telling him their condolences, but it was too hard to connect the words to faces or the faces to names. This must have been so rough on you. I just want you to know, it’s okay to feel relief. He wanted to smash the persons head in at that. As if Veronica struggling for so long had been some sort of inconvenience for him. He didn’t bother with telling the person that he’d rather take the screaming and raging Veronica for even a minute more, over the wooden casket being lowered to the ground. He never took flowers to her grave. Instead, every Sunday he got her the best Italian take out, and spent an hour standing there silent and motionless, no matter the weather.


She hadn’t wanted to come to the stupid reunion in the first place. It wasn’t as if she had lots of happy memories from high school or that there were that many people there, she was looking forward meeting. Somehow Ron had managed to convince her anyway. Something about facing her demons. She had given up mostly just because it was as good excuse to visit her dad, as any.

So when she found herself in the dance hall of Neptune high getting drunker by the minute, constantly stealing glimpses of one Logan Echolls, Veronica was pissed to say the least. It wasn’t that he kept disappearing into the crowed and then popping at the edges of her vision again, just when she was sure that she had stopped looking for him. Or even that every time she spotted him, he was looking straight at her with that intense stare of his he had long ago perfected. The thing that was slowly driving her mad was the fact that her underwear had gone damp the instance she had first seen him, and by now she was sure that if she dripped anymore wetness between her thighs, there would soon be a pool by her legs.

Logan was once again nowhere in sight and hoping she might have a change to escape the torture he was putting her through, Veronica excused herself to go to the bathroom. She only made it two corridors down before her hand was gripped from behind and she found herself being pushed against the wall. Before she even had time to react, Logan was devouring her with his lips. This of course didn’t mean that she had any intentions of returning in kind. And she was using her hands to push him away, not to wrap them around him and then letting them slide down his back, finally coming down to squeeze his ass. It was wrong, she knew it, she was with Ron, she loved Ron. But there were hands in places and she was coming harder than ever. She would have screamed loud enough to whole city to hear it, had it not been for Logan muffling her with the kiss that still had not been broken.

When she was once again able to formulate coherent thoughts, Veronica realized that she was still plastered to the wall. Logan had taken a step back and was now standing there, in front of her, admiring his own handiwork. The smug grin on his lips was so him that it made Veronica want to punch him and kiss him again at the same time. Scared by her own reactions, she could only think of getting the hell out of there as was as possible. Only running was out of the question, as her legs nearly buckled down from taking just one step towards the dance hall. Placing one hand on the wall for support, Veronica tried taking long breaths to calm herself, at the same time willing Logan to just disappear.

Instead of having her wish answered, Veronica suddenly felt hands sneaking around her, pulling her back against Logan and his very clearly very hard erection. She stood there, momentarily paralyzed, while Logan’s face came to snuggle against her neck, just below the ear. He was making a sound, somewhere between a moan and humming, and forgetting everything, Veronica decided she could spend a forever just listening to it. She no longer cared how long it had been, or that someone could find them. They hadn’t both still said anything, but when Logan finally spoke, he was whispering right to her ear, with a husky voice that sent shivers all around her. “Bye now. Be seeing you around Mars. Just next time, don’t wait for six years, okay?”

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Comments {7}

evie oh!

(no subject)

from: evie_oh
date: Mar. 16th, 2007 08:41 am (UTC)

Very angsty. A fic hasn't made me cry in quite awhile, but you definitely managed it with this one, so good work :)

(And thanks for putting the happier goodbye at the end there)

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Strange Little Girl

(no subject)

from: ailati
date: Mar. 16th, 2007 06:43 pm (UTC)

I think that's the best feedback I've ever gotten. Nice to know you liked. ^^

#10 was actually originally ment to be much more angsty, but I then Logan got little carried away, and oh well. I like the outcome well enough though.

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(no subject)

from: odintsova_27
date: Mar. 16th, 2007 03:49 pm (UTC)

Very sweet, and very well done. Just a suggestion.

"I really need to close this place up, hon. And you should be getting home, young girl like you, sure you have some handsome lass waiting for you."

I'm pretty sure you meant "lad", which means a young boy, not "lass", which means a young girl.

But it was great, I especially loved number 2, *sob*, and number 10

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Strange Little Girl

(no subject)

from: ailati
date: Mar. 16th, 2007 06:47 pm (UTC)

Thank you for pointing out the lass thing. I've always just assumed that lad and lass mean the same thing. :)

And glad you liked.

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(no subject)

from: hiddeneloise
date: Mar. 19th, 2007 08:11 pm (UTC)

Sigh. Must you make me cry? I like it how each and every one of these scenarios are plausible. I can see any of them. But I choose to believe the better ones, like the one where she dies of old age, with Logan, daughters, and grandchildren around. Or the last one at the reunion. Sigh. Thank you.

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(no subject)

from: inthevast
date: Mar. 27th, 2007 01:53 am (UTC)

Wow. All of these endings could happen and then lead to others, it's great how open ended and well written this is, even though it's awfully sad.

I prefer the last ending and imagining that this time they say goodbye to everything around them and just take off. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. :)

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(no subject)

from: la623
date: Mar. 29th, 2007 05:34 am (UTC)

Oh wow...some of these were so sad...I liked that last one though...it was juat a little more hopeful! :) These were good though...really great writing!

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